The Woman on stage was engaged in some sort of hopelessly misguided attempt at stand up comedy. She bombed faster than a fat kid with a broken parachute, but wasn’t nearly as funny. I could only imagine her ‘friends’ watching at home, laughing until their sides split at how they’d ‘encouraged’ her to attempt such tomfoolery. And how hard it must have been to keep a straight face when they did. At the conclusion of her disastrous ‘performance’ the Woman derailed into outright joke-theft, of a kind that would make even Dane Cook blush.

“Garlic bread!?” She shouted, incredulously. “Garlic bread!?” The audience looked on, bewildered. They got the joke, but only because they’d seen Peter Kay’s ‘Live at the Top of the Tower’ DVD. Kay’s hilariously well-calculated strike at the Brits abroad stereotype, which culminated in the incredulous cry of cultural confusion “GARLIC BREAD!?” had almost everyone who saw it in stitches. In this ‘retelling’, which had no ties whatsoever to food, holidays or Peter Kay, the punch line was annexed from both the joke and the comedian who made it funny in the first place. Following a blanket of stern silence, the joke thief receded into the night, hopefully never to be heard from again (unless ‘Mock The Week’ do a ‘Bottom Of The Barrel’ special hosted by Jeff Dunham).

Still, she gave a good hard middle finger to the crowd before she strutted away, confident that her esoteric brand of humour had been pitched over the heads of the dim-witted malcontents in the audience. As a sometime singer/songwriter, it was hard not to admire the gesture, even if the performer left a lot to be desired.

The point of my lurid tale is this; whatever it is, leave it to the professionals. Peter Kay is funny. Very funny. Yes, he pissed me off with that god damned ‘Amarillo’ song too, but that was years ago, and I’ve forgiven him for it. Besides, his ‘Live 8’ performance of said song, in which he showed up completely arseholed, forgot the lyrics and then refused to get off stage several minutes after being asked to, more than made up for it.

Its cold outside, there’s a hardcore recession on and unemployment is the highest it’s been for thirty-odd years. I don’t know about you, but I could use a laugh, get his DVD for the best price we have found

Nintendo 3ds will be the first handheld games console to be presented in 3D. Utilizing technology known as autostereoscopy (try saying that three times fast!) the nintendo 3ds is ready to really tear through the gaming world. All your favourites, Star Fox, Zelda and, of course, Mario (amongst others) have been announced already and are preparing to appear in 3D for the very first time.

The nintendo 3ds will not require special glasses, nor will the nintendo 3ds require anything more than the device itself and as many nintendo 3ds games as you want. The nintendo 3ds going to be a real treat and has the gaming world very excited indeed.

The potential of the nintendo 3ds is huge indeed. The nintendo 3ds could be the gaming world’s moon landing. I would not be surprised to see technology pioneered by the nintendo 3ds being used in all gaming consoles in the future. Nintendo have always been innovators in the gaming world, and the nintendo 3ds will really show the current crop of johnny-come-lately’s how it’s done.

Whether you are a Nintendo user or not, the nintendo 3ds is going to be worth checking out. The nintendo 3ds looks, sounds and feels like the future of portable gaming. Just remember, during future discussions regarding the nintendo 3ds that you heard it here first!

Get the best price for your new Nintendo 3Ds here with our special offer

Musically, Zumba incorporates Latin Samba and Salsa with Hip Hop, Flamenco, Reggae, Bhangra and pretty much anything that can loosely be described as ‘danceable’. The dance elements themselves include elements of Belly Dance, Tango, Bollywood, Mambo and Meringue amongst many others, so you see, only in the multi cultural melting pot of the 21^st century global village could this activity have emerged.

Originating in Colombia sometime in the 1990’s, Zumba started out life as one of those happy accidents, and probably would have stayed that way were it not for the quick thinking and business savvy of its cofounders, who swiftly built a brand around which DVD releases, International classes and even a clothing label all orbit. Zumba is a money spinning company in its own right (again, truly 21^st century thinking). It may have risen from the ashes of the previous century, but if you want a comprehensive rundown of how things are done in the here and now, then look no further than the official Zumba website, which has all this information in far greater detail.

With this Zumba fitness kit, you can get everything you need to dive headfirst into the world of Zumba, with four DVDs and a set of toning sticks that shake like maracas, you can get cracking on a fitness regime that’s far more rewarding than boring old aerobics, but not nearly as demanding as mastering a dance form. This is a good Christmas present to dance away those extra pounds you gained over Christmas, for sure. Zumba practitioners frequently describe feelings of boosted confidence, strength and physical vitality, so why not see what all the fuss is about?

You can really get your teeth into Zumba, you can learn all the different styles, buy all the DVDs and become a self-contained fitness machine, or, you can pick it up and put it down at your leisure, have a laugh without getting too deeply involved, its entirely up to you. Zumba is spreading like wildfire and showing no signs of going away anytime soon, with its enticing mixture of dance moves, martial arts, fitness and fun, Zumba seems to appeal to, well, everyone. (If I were at all business-savvy myself, I’d have patented that before publishing it here –damn.) The dance craze of the new millennium (alright, its a decade or so old, but that’s still new in my book) is all things at once; successful business venture, multi cultural experiment, hi-concept leisure activity and multi-faceted reflection of the fast-paced times in which we live.

Zumba is a mile-a-minute aerobic thrill ride that opens your mind and body to a whole new world, click here to get the best prices.

Though I was flattered, I thought the fame would turn out to be fleeting. I enjoyed all that was on offer: girls, drugs, and riches, all with the mindset that it was a temporary thing. Somewhere down the line, I think it was between Late Night With Conan O’Brien and THAT Hollywood Squares appearance (I didn’t know my pants were off, honestly), my agent decreed that I should change my name from ‘Jumpman’ (which they felt was too ‘ethnic’) to Mario, which more Americans could relate to. I went with it for professional reasons, though it really upset my parents. So, by the time the game they made with my ‘brother’ Luigi (my actual brother Marco was furious that they never offered him the role) was released and the inevitable ‘Mario Bros’ Movie had rolled around, I was Mario.

I found myself playing up to the Stereotype, ‘Mario’ became a sort of insane alter ego, one who could date anyone, ingest anything and never needed to sleep, diet or exercise. Looking back on it now, I was foolish. I’m a plumber for Anyway, that’s why I’m so excited to talk to you about this new adventure! With my new 3D game I can be completely free. For the first time, you can see my fully rendered 3D home as it really looks. With all my friends included, I’m just about ready for the adventure of my life! (Not to mention the comeback – those gambling debts don’t pay for themselves) so why not order your copy today!?God sake, I had no business getting involved in that King Cooper fiasco, but at the time I thought I could get away with anything. By the time I publicly fell out with my cousin Wario and my problems with mushrooms had become public knowledge, my image as the squeaky-clean, kid friendly hero had been blown to bits, which is a shame, because I love kids. In fact, I have seven of my own (though four of them don’t return my calls, sigh).

‘Super Mario 3D Land’ is just the tonic for your winter blues, its simple, iconic and maddeningly fun! I’ve worked hard to make this one the best Mario game ever, but only you can judge for yourselves. In addition, I’ve returned to my first love, the Theatre, and am taking ‘Super Mario 3D Land Live’ around the West End for the next several weeks. Watch out for Marco, finally playing the role of ‘Luigi’ and my girlfriend, Peach, who designed the costumes and props. Ciao!

Get Super Mario 3D Land for the Nintendo 3DS at the best price we can find here

Picture the scene: you’re standing in a busy London tube station. You’re cold, wet and hungry. You can’t afford to spend £29.99 on a crappy little cardboard, egg mayo and bits of recycled plastic bottles sandwich, even with the crusts cut off. You get the text you’re waiting for, FINALLY, but you have to take your gloves off to read it. Oh yeah, that’d be annoying, wouldn’t it? Before you know it, you’re hurrying to get your phone back in your pocket before a tube load of pigeon-like Londoners shovel, shunt and shove you miles away from your intended destination. The bloke with the incomprehensible accent gives you bad directions, or maybe good ones that you just couldn’t hear over the din (but smiled and nodded anyway so as not to appear stupid). You miss the train, you drop your phone and your life feels like you just dropkicked it into the toilet. To top it all off, the text was actually just one of those stupid Orange promotional offers.

Mercifully, our mates at E-Touch have come up with these wonderful ‘Heat Seeking Bat-Gloves’, which, I’ll grant you, is not their real name. Anyway, these magnificent modern marvels allow continued use of PDA’s, Tablet PC’s and mobile phones whilst you still have your gloves on, meaning that you needn’t worry about getting cold hands ever again. Seriously, these are the sort of gloves that Batman would buy if he was getting cold hands and wanted to text somebody.

Heat-Seeking Bat-Gloves are soon to be a common sight on British public transport (not to mention the last word in Gotham City’s winter fashions), so our advice is to get yourself a pair right now. Amazingly, they cost about the same as regular gloves, so there’s no reason not to stuff a pair into your stocking this Christmas Eve (unless of course you don’t own any touchscreen technology, that’s actually a pretty good reason).

The earlier scene changes when you buy yourself a snug new pair of Heat Seeking Bat-Gloves. In this retelling, the text comes in; you check it casually, at your leisure, stopping to smile at the attractive stranger across the way. Then, as the stream of Londoners part like the red sea around you (perhaps in awe of your ability to use touchscreen technology even through your gloves), you calmly step onto the right train and plant yourself in the seat next to the aforementioned cutie-pie. Our suggested one-liner:

“I know what you’re thinking. Well, it’s true. I actually am Batman.”

Keep your hands warm whilst touching the right buttons on your touch screen phone with the best price for the gloves here

So here goes: harry potter and the deathly hallows dvd by somebody who hasn’t seen it:

Basically, from what I can gather, Harry Potter is a little kid who has a lightning scar on his head. He lives in a closet, being strictly told that there is no such thing as wizards. Then he goes to wizard school and is taught by a number of weird teachers (who cannot be CRB checked, by the way). The school is a plummy public school and everybody talks with ever-so-posh ‘British’ accents. It’s so nice at Hogwarts that the ginger kid (who, to top it all is, I believe, named ‘Weasely’) doesn’t even get his head kicked in that much.

Then there’s this green bloke named Voldemort who’s pissed about something or the other and he’s supposed to be dead, but of course he isn’t. So he goes all Darth Vader on everyone and we’re all supposed to be scared, but its like, he doesn’t even have a nose (so how does he smell? lol) and he doesn’t stay dead when they do kill him. In fact, in the movie I saw, Voldemort actually killed this one kid, who was kind of a dick, but didn’t deserve that, so I guess he is quite gnarly. Then there are dragons and mermaids and Harry has to do all these tests which look much more fun than GCSE’s. He even gets to play a game with flying broomsticks, or something.

So, in the final movie, Voldemort hasn’t calmed down any. Apparently, he’s afraid that Harry (who is by now old enough to drink, swear and vote) is a legitimate threat to his power. Hogwarts must be a better school than my old one, (which pretty much opened its doors and turfed out an army of no-hopers). Then Harry fights Voldemort and um…dies, so I’m told. So there you go. I wish I could be of more assistance, but when it comes to Harry Potter and the deathly hallows dvd that’s all I got. Sorry. The book is so long that it needed to be split into two movies, hence Harry Potter and the deathly hallows dvd, which is a pretty ugly title, all things considered.

At a meeting in a fashionable London hotel, I was asked by my manager and a prospective agent for my thoughts on Harry Potter and the phenomenon he has created, I answered that I think its great that kids are enjoying reading, whatever they read, and that the character seems fairly positive, also, the enormous success of the books has opened up a whole new world to kids authors everywhere, so I see it, largely, as a positive thing. Still, there is the vague worry that Harry Potter and the deathly hallows dvd was watched by more adults than kids, as the box office figures suggest. But I can’t argue, as last night I dreamed that me and my girlfriend were members of the Green Lantern Corps racing to steal a glowing blue hamburger from the centre of the universe…And defending that in Freudian terms has used up my entire quota of ‘gown up points’ for the day. So there! (Pokes tongue out and runs away). See the final instalment of the harry potter series here

Of course, there is no OFFICIAL PS3 mascot as far as Sony is concerned; kid-friendly marketing was jettisoned with the arrival of the first Playstation back in the ‘90s. There was no official PS1 mascot either, but I’d argue that it might as well have been Lara Croft. The plummy English explorer with the gigantic…erm…Fortune. Croft captured imaginations and hearts worldwide as her adventures continued over many years. All while a small, but determined, community of spotty boys attempted to track down the mythic ‘nude cheat’ that would allow the plucky virtual heiress to finally bare all.  Nate was designed with all of these ideas firmly to the forefront and the result is a character every bit as popular and genre busting as Ms. Croft was back in her heyday (in fact, that crossover would certainly be something to see).

Modernising the ‘rugged adventurer’ archetype (borrowed by Lucas and Spielberg from pulp novels and TV serials) that was globally disseminated via Indy Jones’ big screen adventures and lived on with characters like Rick O’Connell in ‘The Mummy’ or Sydney Fox as played by the gorgeous Tia Carrere (inspiration for many interesting ‘feelings’ during this writer’s teenage years) in ‘Relic Hunter’, Drake has become one of the icons of the PS3. He is instantly recognisable and as bankable as any Hollywood star (I don’t follow such things, but I’d bet dollars to do-nuts there’s an ‘Uncharted’ movie in the works).

Playing uncharted 1 and uncharted 2 in preparation for the third instalment of the series is like re-visiting an old friend (albeit one who is often…well, kind of a dick), and the series offers deft characterisation as well as big-budget Hollywood-style action sequences. uncharted 1 and uncharted 2 are thrilling mixtures of puzzles that need solving, obstacles that need traversing, mini games cunningly disguised as plot exposition (the boat ride from uncharted 1  is a personal fave), tautly scripted cutscenes (most of which end with expertly-timed comic book cliffhangers) and high energy joyride excitement. Both games are stunning to look at, totally immersive and thoroughly action-packed.

Perhaps it was uncharted 2 that sealed Nate’s reputation as one of the PS3’s A-list, but its his enduring design (a beguiling mixture of old-school rough and tumble heroism, world worn pessimism, hard won humour and ever-so-rare moments of vulnerability, the kind you used to only see in the movies) that keeps us coming back for more.

Everything is about uncharted 3, but remember the original games

Good old-fashioned animal cruelty goes a long way in this morally bankrupt world, from Tom & Jerry’s cartoonish hyperviolence to the out-and-out massacre of a Happy Tree Friends special. In fact, the act of launching psychopathic birds at inflatable green pigs has become so popular that it has broken free of the world of the iPhone and has invaded the territory of ‘proper’ games like ‘Mouse Trap’, ‘Pictionary’ and ‘Monopoly’. That’s right, folks, with the angry birds board game you can forgo the three hours of setup time, modern woodworking course and arse kicking by irate farmers that I’ve had to endure. You don’t even get any representatives from the RSPCA showing up and threatening to take legal action.

The angry birds board game is actually aimed at children, but that’s no reason not to buy it, send the kids to bed early, grab your favourite bird and fling the night away! (OK, that sounds fairly dodgy…Undo that) joking aside, the angry birds board game is actually a really good game for hand-eye co-ordination and encouraging competition (I know these things, believe it or not, I was actually employed by a nursery for four years) as well as making you appear hip in front of your kids.

If fowl tempered (groan!) passerines being launched at dangerous velocity towards unsuspecting Ungulates sounds like your idea of a good night in (and you have even the faintest idea of what those words mean), but you can’t afford an iPhone for whatever reason, the angry birds board game is for you. Play it alone (weirdo) with the kids or just that ‘special someone’ (though the moment ‘Angry Birds’ becomes an aphrodisiac I’ll really worry for the future of mankind), but whatever you do, make sure you have fun! Its like Pokemon, if it made even less sense (and there wasn’t an arseing cave full of level 5 Geodude every two towns!).

The angry birds board game is a superb waste of time, if you need an excuse not to get started on that novel you’ve been planning, to fall behind on housework or just to elapse enough cooking time in order to justify getting a pizza in, this game could really revolutionise your life. The other great thing about it is…Uh Oh! Stay quiet, I think the RSPB just called round again!

Put down your phone and play angry birds the old fashioned way here

Kicking off the teen-sex-gross-out-comedy revival in ‘99, ‘American Pie’ had no idea that it would become the template for an entire era of film and television. Audiences willing to accept, even embrace, a character that fully intended to have sex with a girl whilst secretly broadcasting the act on the Internet, (admittedly it was Shannon Elizabeth, but even still…) opened the door for writers to revel in their most treasured sexual fantasies, from the downright bizarre to the drearily inevitable.

When Russell T. Davies’ revamped ‘Dr. Who’ introduced openly (some might say hyperactively) bisexual adventure hero ‘Captain Jack Harkness’, a generation took note. Being ‘gay’ or ‘queer’ didn’t have to be an insult; it could be a badge of honour. After this (and other LGBT-themed television), the popular cry of “I’m bi!” erupted ceaselessly from ever-so–straight kids trying desperately to latch onto the latest youth-culture trend. During Davies’ Dr. Who run, the show promoted every lifestyle option imaginable, from mixed-race to same sex to inter-species and back again, and did it all with dignity and panache, never once losing a character’s appeal by being overly PC. In my view, this was progressive and interesting television.

Over on E4, the controversial series ‘Skins’ depicted the misadventures of a group of nihilistic, self-obsessed teenagers as they navigated the murky waters of lurid melodrama and sleazy sex. Each week was the figurative end of the world, an intractable, inescapable death-trap cunningly disguised as a regular day at college or a trip to a dealer’s house. Our doomed anti-heroes, with their brittle psychological profiles, tragic pasts and personality disorders seemingly on tap, could find no better response to this than to hurt others for their sexual kicks. That said, the series brimmed with a kinetic, fizzy pop exuberance that was wholly addictive from the first viewing, ensuring that no matter how much viewers hated the nascent, whiny would-be rapists therein, they couldn’t turn away, even for a second. Indeed, to bring things up to date, the new series of runaway comedy success ‘Misfits’ opened with a character extolling the virtues of anal sex and praising himself for finding a girl who ‘loves it’. Charming.

The controversy courting, yet ever-so-bankable-in-times-of-recession teen sex parables, from hackneyed sexual-urge-as-vampirism tales like ‘Twilight’ (2008) to the genuinely sweet and affecting ’40-Year-Old Virgin’ (2005) are here to stay. So where does The Inbetweeners DVD fit in? The Inbetweeners DVD is a show that centres around, you guessed it, a bunch of sex-starved teenage boys as they attempt to get laid, but mostly end up just sitting around talking about it. Quite when we’ll be seeing the Female take on the teen sex genre is a mystery, as movies tend to sell more when the poster features a group of nerdy kids gawping at a barely-dressed Playboy bunny, but I digress…The Inbetweeners DVD is a sort of revamping of 2000’s ‘Kevin & Perry Go Large’ which pitches our hapless ‘Tweens on a trip to the Balearics, in the hopes that the sun, sea (and crucially, alcohol) might relive some of the local girls of their ‘inhibitions’ (by which, I of course mean, not being attracted to pathetic nerds who have no interests besides sexual fulfilment).  So that’s the inbetweeners movie for you in a nutshell. You’ll get the usual Guardian quotes validating the existence of yet another ‘edgy’ ‘raucous’ ‘controversial’ teen sex comedy thrown at you.

If you watched the film at the cinema get the The Inbetweeners DVD from here at a clunge-tastic price

Oh, I’m bitter about it, and make no mistake, but the fact remains that I haven’t watched anything more than ‘Dr. Who’ and stray episodes of ‘Mock The Week’ in years. I’ve caught single episodes of things, but nothing has screamed out to me and demanded to be watched. There was nothing I couldn’t comfortably miss if I had to, and that’s probably why I missed out on the Downton abbey DVD.

In the corner of the room that I share with my girlfriend, there is a pile of DVDs that range from ‘Star Trek’ to ‘Family Guy’ and include series such as ‘Black Books’, ‘Father Ted’, ‘Blackadder’ and my perennial favourite; ‘Spaced’. I also have quite the collection of 60’s spy-fi shows (my all-time fave is ‘The Avengers’) and some documentaries. Periodically, a show piques my interest but usually disappoints in the end. Recently, my girlfriend got me hooked on the first half of ‘Harper’s Island’ and I was crushed to watch it descend from genuinely interesting whodunit to clichéd teen slasher romp complete with Michael Myers-esque invincible killer. So, I watch a lot of TV, just not a lot of new stuff. I liked ‘Ashes To Ashes’, but not enough to repeat view, whilst ‘Come Fly With Me’ may actually been the worst thing I’ve ever seen, in any medium.

Conversely, the Downton abbey DVD looks like it was a stately and tightly paced drama, which must have seemed like an oasis in the desert for those who like their actors to act and their writers to write. It’s certainly got critical praise up the whazoo, but I’m not going to try and write about it having not seen it. All told, it looks like the Downton abbey DVD was popular and popular for a reason; in fact, I’d probably have watched it if I’d known it was on. Sadly, my friends, when your geek-speaking comrades ask you if you’ve been living under a rock, or in a cave on Pluto or wherever, I really have been there these last few years. Your correct answer can now be “No I haven’t, but Chris Messenger has!”

Hey, you can’t win ‘em all. I’ve currently got my nose in a bumper coffee table biography of Jack Kirby, one of the greatest artists ever to put pencil to paper and its just that much more interesting than anything else out there at the moment. Downton abbey DVD will have to wait, I’m afraid.

Don’t miss out on your chance to get the Downton abbey DVD